Excerpts from Anne Marie Fahey's Diary
I am back in therapy. Bob and I have been working together for about 9 months. What difference! Bob is great and I am able to trust him 100%. He is one of the few whom I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that will never judge me. That is a pretty great feeling. I started taking Prozac (3 weeks tomorrow) Still no effect. That's not totally true. It's giving me horrific headaches! Hopefully soon we shall see results.
My family along w/ some of my friends (Jill, G.R.) are worried about my weight loss. I, on the other hand, am quite pleased! 5 more pounds to 130. I am starving myself as well as avoiding situations where food is involved. I now think of food as poisonous. I cannot ever imagine eating a sandwich! (too much food) I'll be okay, I will stop before it gets out of control.
I have fallen in love w/ a very special person whose name I choose to leave anonymous. We know who each other are. It happened the night of my 28th Birthday. We have built an everlasting friendship. I feel free around him, and like he says "He makes my heart smile!" He deserves some happiness in his life, and it makes me feel good to know that I can provide him w/ such happiness. Who knows if anything serious will ever happen between the 2 of us (I only know what I dream)
March 7, 94
...We (Tomas and I) had lunch on Friday at the Shipley Grill. It was very food. I hope that tonight he will visit me before working in Philadelphia. I am alone in my house tonight drinking a beer and listening to music ("When Harry Met Sally) We have problems because he has a wife and children also. I don't want to be in love but I can't help it. By god, please don't judge me!....No news on the weight loss. I am stuck at 135 pds, and it's pissing me off! I can't starve myself anymore than I already am. I suppose I should be thankful that I have not gained any weight either. I still avoid situations where there is food involved. G.R. was for making mussels marinara and linguine w/ shrimp and chicken tonight but I was afraid if I went over, --- I would eat, and when I got on the scale in the morning, I would have gained a pound or two. So, I declined the invitation. When I lose my last 5 pds, I will treat myself.
? Where is my friend ?
My boyfriend (Tomas) asked me today if I wanted to be a girlfriend and live alone and he would pay rent for my room. I need to think. I love him, but, he has four children (girls) and a wife. I will be a silent girlfriend. Oh my God.
Today is he day my father died! How sad. (My dad was a bad father, but he was the only father I ever had so therefore I loved him.) I do no think that he conscienciously meant to be a bad father, -- he just had no clue! (He really made my life very sad + lonely. I will never forget the pain he caused me.) He forced me to lie to protect my identity.
April 24, Sunday
... I had a great day on Friday. My friend and I went to his house to eat. What a house! He enchants me. During the weekend, my thoughts were devoted to Tomas. I am afraid because I am in love with a man who has a family. I need to realize that our relationship will never be anything other than a secret. I fantasize my life with him all the time. He is very gentle, intelligent handsome and very interesting. Why does he have to be married??? More information later
My weight has remained the same (133 - 135) I must get down to 130. I am still staying clear of eating situations. I will only be happier if I keep losing weight. Keep it up Annie! More later.
I spoke to P.J. on Friday. He leaves for Mississippi on 5-7 for a year. I always thought my life would be w/ P.J., --- but not any more. I wish him well, and there's a part of me that will always love him....
Wow. What a day! I talked with Tomas last night after he dinner here in my house. Our relationship is finished. He told me I need to find a man without children who has a lot of time for me, because I am very special and deserve much more. Well, after what he said, I was very sad and I cried all night. I know it is my problem and my fault because from the beginning I knew what I was getting myself into. Sometimes it is very easy to write but very difficult to cope. I have dreams about him and me making love and living together, --- but it will never happen.
After he left, I was so empty, sad lonely. I told him things that were hidden inside me. I feel so comfortable w/ him, -- I can say anything. I watched him get in his car and drive away. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
Ciao T, I love you
Tomas called today at ten thirty and told me love you. We decided that we will still se each other. All morning I wondered if he would call (I prayed he would, however I vowed to myself that I would not call him) Our conversation was good, but I felt a little sad. He is going to Canada from Wednesday until Friday for law school. Poor thing! Ciao Tomas I love you!
My session w/ Bob today was quite tearful. I cried a lot as well as informed him of my eating disorder. ..... I also feel that my world is so out of control, and the only thing I can control is my food intake. I know one thing, Prozac is not for me! Bob is aware, so I suppose we'll take it from here.
I would first like to start off by talking about Mike Hines. We had our first date last Sat. night June 11 w/ Robert + Susan in Avalon.
The 4 of us went out to dinner at Marabella's It was great fun. After dinner, Mike and I went to his house. What a house! .... It was great. Mike dropped me off with a kiss good night. I really like him a lot.
On Sunday he came by to say good bye. He is so handsome!
On Wednesday (6-15) he came down, and we went to the festival. All we did was talk all night until the cops finally kicked us out. I think I'm falling for his real fast! I see myself marrying him....
P.S. My weight is 129. I have a serious problem but right now I am not able to confront it.
My dear one! .... I want to talk about last weekend with Michael at the beach. .... We really seemed to enjoy one another's company. I only hope my feelings for him are not stronger than his for mine (?) In a way I believe I am falling too hard, and he's enjoying a casual relationship w/ me w/ the possibility of dating others. (God I hope not)
...... Actually I am good at dealing w/ rejection. Much better than dealing w/ compliments...... There is a part of me, a rational part believe it or not that thinks we will get married. Wow. Me thinking about the "m" word.
I love you Michael,
Hi Diary. Well it's official Michael does not like me. It's been four days since we talked to each other.
I am very sad. He is charming. Why? What's wrong with me? .... I was not up / I am not up for dealing w/ a broken heart. What did I do or not do to make him not want to get involved? I must have said something wrong or hurt or offended him in some way....
Feb. 25, '95 Saturday
.... One of the most influential, helpful persons in my life has died. Bob Connor was killed on 1-24-95 by a drunk driver coming home from work. The phone call from Mary Ellen the next morning (7:45 a.m.) was one of the most lonely, difficult X's in my life! I loved Bob, and he has helped me grow so much, but we had a lot more to do until I got to where I need to be at this point in my life. He was the only person who knew everything (even a little bit about Tommy (not much) about me, and it felt great to get all this shit inside of me --- out. ..... Bob was, and probably be the only person who really knew me and understood my insecurities. .....
Now, I need to write about my friend / boy friend / love Tomas. Last week (Saturday, 2-28-95) he called at 4:00 in the afternoon. We talked and he told me he had a party for Buddy in Al Carter's house and then at Buddy's bar that night. Well, at midnight, Jill, Binny and I went to the bar and saw Tomas. Tomas was furious because I was there (I think so).
The women were drinking three beers and a shot of vodka with lemon. I did not say good bye to Tomas when I left because he was sitting with his wife. I was sad and very sick in my stomach. I am madly "in love" with him and did not truly realize just how deeply I felt until that night when I could not be near him, and I then realized the fact that he is and never will be mine! Sunday, the day after, I thought about Tomas every minute of the day. I had a feeling that he did not want me at the bar so I stayed clear across the room from him. I am sorry Tomas -- I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable.
Monday arrived and I did not hear from Tomas. I finally called him around 5:00 and checked in. He was cold and seemed very dis-interested in talking with me and I asked what's up? he said to me "nothing Ana Maria, my life sucks!" I asked him if he was mad at me and he said no, just everything in my life is wrong and sucks! He was eager to get off the phone, and said he had a very busy week.
I wake up feeling sad and depressed. I need to talk to Tommy. If it's over between us, -- I need to have some closure. Tomas why won't you talk to me? Jesus, how and why did I allow myself to fall in love w/ a married man??? I know exactly why: Tomas is kind, caring, responsive, loving , has a beautiful heart, extremely handsome and was kind and gentle to me. If he loves me like he used to say (which I still believe he does) then why is he treating me like this??? God, please help me!
Like a fool, when I got back to the office from VIP, -- I called T., and asked that he call me. Well, he called and was nasty. It was the first time that T. raised his voice at me. I asked What is it, you are furious with me, why aren't you talking to me? He said to me "Drop it Annie and quit ----ing talking like this in the office we'll talk later.
I asked if I would ever hear from him again, and he said Do you want to? I said of course! He said "alright" I will call later Went to Diane's for dinner and I cried and cried, etc. because I am losing T, and I do not know why? When T. asked me how I would like to spend my last day on earth, -- I told him by playing Hookie from work making marinara sauce together making love while it was cooking, drinking red wine, eating bread and watching all the movies we have talked about watching together. He said he did not believe anything I just said. Where has this sudden come from. Did somebody say something to him. What has he hears? I wish I knew because I also would like to know. You are breaking my heart T. Please communicate w/ me what the ---- is going on in your mind!
I often fantasize about T. and me, and how I would love to spend the remaining yrs. of my life w/ him. There is so much I want to do with him. wake up in his arms in my bed, lay next to him and read books together, travel w/ him, etc. Will any of this ever happen? I am madly in love w/ T. !
T. called me at five o'clock in the afternoon while I was at the office. The conversation was superficial. ..... There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I was afraid that he would fly off the handle again like he did on Wednesday. While we were talking, tears were rolling down my face. I wanted to tell him that he was breaking my heart and ask him to please STOP! Instead, I clammed up and let him go. I came home from work, got into bed and cried myself to sleep.
I called T. When I got home and left a message asking him to call me at work tomorrow B-4 he came in at 3:30.